


Camelot FM - The Lost Recordings

by magog_83



Series: Camelot FM [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-29
Updated: 2010-03-29
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:33:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9846053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magog_83/pseuds/magog_83
Summary: Six recordings recovered from Merlin's rather eventful foray into radio presenting.  Since banned by order of His Highness, Prince Arthur.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** This started life as a ficlet written for the Camelot Fleet party last weekend, after a very funny discussion about the possibilities for Camelot FM in the Pudsey!AU world. Now reposted and expanded. Beware, here be extreme silliness and crack. Not to be taken remotely seriously.
> 
> A lot of credit must go to [](http://briar-pipe.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://briar-pipe.livejournal.com/)**briar_pipe** for this fic, because she gave me some fantastic ideas for this (which I found very inspiring) in our discussion of it at the Fleet party!
> 
> And thanks as always to [](http://vensre.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://vensre.livejournal.com/)**vensre** for the speedy beta :)

"And that was our very own minstrel, Baldrick, with his new arrangement of King Uther the Magnificent and Bountiful. A most heartfelt rendition I’m sure you agree – anyone would think the man was after a promotion! If you’ve just tuned in, you’re listening to Gaius, temporarily standing in for Merlin on Merlin’s Midnight Melodies. Next up, we have—”

“I’m sorry I’m late Gaius! Arthur was being an absolute—”

_“Merlin!”_

“—ly exemplary employer. Really, I couldn’t wish for better. Er... shall I take over?”

“I think you’d better!”

“Hello everyone! This is Merlin, on Merlin’s Midnight Melodies, broadcasting midnight until 2am because it’s the only time I actually get off, even though I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of rule about—”

“Ahem!”

“Right, yes, sorry Gaius. Anyway, where were we? As usual, we have Gaius manning the phone lines so anything you want to phone in about, please do! Share your thoughts on the news of the day. Maybe you have a joke you want to tell? Or an inspiring story? Or maybe you think Sir Rhys’s new hairstyle makes him look like a lopsided hedgehog. If you’re thinking it, we want to hear it! Incidentally, if you have any stories about our illustrious Prince, I want to hear those too. I hear he fell off his horse last Thursday and ripped his breeches wide open. Any eyewitness accounts would be greatly appreciated and I’m sure would put many concerned minds at rest. Any sketches of the incident would also be welcome and will be displayed on the notice board in the Hall. Oooh, I see we have a caller already! Who is it Gaius?”

“The Prince.”

“...Tell him I’m out.”

“He says he can hear you.”

“...Does he want to request a song?”

“I think not.”

“... Does he want to talk about his breeches?”

“It’s hard to tell through the shouting.”

“...Oh.”

“Indeed.”

“Right, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll just be taking a short break while I get a head start out of Camelot. Gaius will be continuing our scheduled programming, once he has helped pack my Emergency Escape Bag. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with the Ballad of Odo the Overworked whose Extreme Exhaustion caused him to say things he would never have said if he thought his master was still awake and not asleep like he pretended to be. Happy listening!”

* * *

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Merlin’s Midnight Melodies. You’re listening to Gaius. As a result of yesterday’s, er, _unfortunate_ incident, Merlin is unable to join us in the studio but we can go to him live in episode one of Merlin on the Move. Merlin, can you hear me?”

“I thought we were going to call it A Merlin in Flight?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin.”

“But Merlin on the Move just sounds like I’m running errands.”

“Might I remind you that we are _live,_ and on a schedule?”

“...Oh, yes, sorry. Hello listeners! I’m coming to you live from... well, actually I’m not sure where from, but I just saw a bush shaped like a rabbit. Anyway, you will be relieved to hear I remain safely undetected. Incidentally if anyone has seen a tall, fair haired, slightly constipated looking man on a horse, could they please phone in to Gaius or write in to my usual address at, Merlin’s Room, The Court Physician’s Quarters, Camelot Castle. Exact co-ordinates would be much appreciated if at all possible. In other news, I think I have a nettle rash, I’m not sure, it keeps itching and then when I—”

“Merlin, perhaps you might share something of _interest_ to the people of Camelot.”

“...Like what?”

“Perhaps some observations on your journey? Or perhaps an apology to a certain employer mightn’t go amiss?”

“I’m not apologising to him! If he hadn’t pretended to be asleep none of this would have happened, so really this is all his fault and I was just an innocent victim in—”

“Oh dear, we seem to be losing signal! It looks like we’ll have to rejoin Merlin tomorrow, for more Merlin on the Move. But in the meantime, here’s a firm favourite of us all, _Sir Percival of the Wild and Noble Heart,_ sung by William Bard and accompanied by Sir Elliot on the lute.”

* * *

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to episode two of Merlin on the Move – allow me to pass you over to Merlin, who I sincerely hope is feeling in a more repentant mood today and is ready to apologise, since he brought this entirely on himself.”

“I did not! And anyway, I don’t see why he can’t apologise – he was snoring and everything, I heard him!”

“Very well, if you persist in being stubborn, I should tell you we have had a report from a Mistress Anonymous who claims to have seen, and I quote, ‘a dashing, golden haired knight of noble bearing and purity of profile, riding upon a white charger,’ in the vicinity of Elmsley Village.... And I think we both know who that is.”

“...Sir Geraint?”

“...”

“...”

“I fear you aren’t taking this very seriously.”

“Oh pfft, he’s not going to find me, I’m wearing green.”

“Merlin, Prince Arthur is an expert tracker, I don’t think he’s going to mistake you for a tree.”

“I know that! I’m not an idiot - I’ve been practicing bird calls too, in case I need a distraction.”

“Bird calls?”

“Yes. A goose, mainly, and a pigeon. Well, it’s supposed to be a pigeon, but I think it might sound like an owl? It certainly seems to get rid of all the other birds, which is useful. But between that and the green, he’s never going to find me in a million—”

“Hello, Merlin.”

“.......Bugger.”

* * *

“Good evening to you all, and thank you for all your messages of support for Merlin – who I fear does not deserve it. You will be pleased to hear however that despite his unfortunate, but might I say inevitable, capture last night, he is well and able to speak with us now. Merlin?”

“Hello listeners, and welcome to episode one of A Merlin in Captivity.”

“Merlin, does the fact you’re whispering mean you are not in fact doing this with the Prince’s full support?”

“......No?”

“...”

“...All right maybe, I am under my blanket, but that’s only because he confiscated my radio and I had to steal his. Which, by the way, is how he’s been completely _cheating_ and following me, so don’t let him pretend he’s a master of stealth, and what sort of master of stealth rides a white horse anyway?!”

“I hope this means you are returning to Camelot?”

“Yes – since he stole my map and tied me to the saddle. But I would like it known I am under _extreme_ duress.”

“It is duly noted. Now, perhaps if we might move along, I have a number of messages here for you.

“...Are they nice messages?”

“I’ve taken out the bad ones.”

“Ok then.”

“Let’s see.... Master Goodkin from the Lower Town would like to pass on his commiserations; Mistress Emma from the shoemakers says she will be sure to visit you in the stocks when you return; oh, and Guinevere asks if you would like her to take His Highness’s bed sheets down to the laundry for you.”

“Oooh, yes please. And the red tunic from the pile in the corner.”

“I’ll let her know. Finally, Sir Percy seemed most concerned about you and seems to think it has all been a terrible misunderstanding—”

“Which it has!”

“Hmmm, yes, well, I said I would pass on his concerns.”

“Is that everyone?”

“All except for Terry from the kitchens who wished to know if Prince Arthur sleeps without a shirt on.”

“Oh, I can find that out now if you want.”

“Merlin, I hardly think it—”

“Hang on!......”

“Merlin, really!”

“...”

“...”

“...I can confidently report he sleeps without a shirt on. And my eye can confirm that his elbows are very sharp. Also, he drools in his sleep, just in case anyone’s interested.”

“Yes, _thank you,_ Merlin. I think it would be best for everyone if we left it there for tonight.”

“But I’ve been writing down my thoughts! Don’t you want to hear what I—”

“I very much doubt your thoughts are suitable for transmission.”

“What if I leave out the bit about his cold and unfeeling eyes?”

 _“Good night, Merlin,_ I have a feeling we will be continuing this tomorrow.”

“Only if Arthur hasn’t killed me and stuffed my mangled body in a—”

“And that’s all from Merlin for tonight! Now, let’s hear what new ballads have appeared this week...”

* * *

_“—A hunting we will gooooooooo.”_

“And that was our very own Prince Arthur, with ‘A Hunting We Will Go,’ sung in the key of Flat and 100% exclusive and unofficial on Merlin’s Morning Melodies. Due to the exclusiveness and unofficial nature of the performance, I would like to request that no-one mentions it when we get back. Hello listeners! And welcome to episode two of A Merlin in Captivity, going out live from... somewhere...this morning, all thanks to our valued Court Archivist, Geoffrey, and a rogue footnote which had to be triple checked. You know what Geoffrey always says, if it’s not footnoted, it’s not fact! Anyway, Jaunts with Geoffrey will be returning as usual in twenty minutes time when I believe Geoffrey will be looking at some walls and discussing... them. Anyway! Moving on, as you can probably tell Gaius has not been able to join me this morning due to an outbreak of boils, but he’s still waiting for your phone messages and letters so keep calling and writing in. In the meantime, I’d like to read you a poem I’ve written about the trauma of being abducted against my will, it’s called, ‘You needn’t look so smug, I just put beetles in your stew.’ Ahem, You needn’t look so smug, I just—’”

“Merlin, what are you doing?”

“...Nothing.”

“I thought I left you with the horses? Were you following me?”

“No! I needed some air.”

“...”

“...Some more air.”

“Who were you talking to?”

“Myself.”

“Yourself? And _why_ would you be talking to yourself?”

“I was craving some intellectual conversa— _Ow!_ Ass.”

“Pardon?”

“What?”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

“...”

“What’s that noise?”

“What noise?”

“That fizzing, buzzing noise?”

“...A rabbit?”

“...Don’t be stupid, it sounds more like a....”

“...”

_“IS THAT A BLOODY RADIO??”_

“Farewell listeners! Notes of condolence can be addressed to Gaius at the usual—”

[TRANSMISSION TERMINATED]

* * *

“Hello everyone, you’re listening to Merlin’s Midnight Melodies, broadcasting once again from our regular studio in my room. Before we return to our scheduled programming, I would like to read a short statement which I did not write. I, Merlin, would like to apologise for any and all offence I have given whilst presenting my radio show, especially to our generous Prince, Arthur, without whom I would be unemployed and destitute in a ditch somewhere and probably eaten by wild animals – except I wouldn’t be because I would just work for Gaius. In future I promise not to make any recordings of the Prince or any member of the Royal family without their express permission, which will certainly not be given, or to speculate on any incidents which may or may not have happened in training, or reveal details of the Prince’s sleeping habits or the time he told everyone he’d broken his finger fighting Wildren, when he’d really shut it in a door. I also understand that no-one wants to hear my Thoughts, traumatic or otherwise, and that the only thoughts that matter are my employer’s, Prince Arthur’s, in the unlikely event he has any. The end. And I would like to add to that, huge thanks to Cook for the welcome back pies! And Terry from the kitchens – I have a sketch with your name on it - just call by the studio when you’re free, I shaded his chest and everything. And now back to our usual programme – and I want to hear your comments, funny stories, news from the last few days. If you’re thinking it, I want to hear it! Oooh, looks like we have a caller already – who is it Gaius?”

“...I’m not even going to answer that.”

The End.


End file.
